<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Town Hall by xtrashhmagicx</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25159210">Town Hall</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xtrashhmagicx/pseuds/xtrashhmagicx'>xtrashhmagicx</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Once Upon a Time (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Established Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, F/F, Humor, Mostly Crack, emma is always michael, ok its all crack, regina is always dwight, the office (US) - Freeform, timelines dont matter everyone is alive</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:08:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,628</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25159210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xtrashhmagicx/pseuds/xtrashhmagicx</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>With Gold's recent heart attack, Regina rallies everyone together for a CPR training class. Things do not go as planned.<br/>or, the office CPR scene, but in Storybrooke.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>134</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. CPR Training</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>If you haven't watched The Office cpr episode, I would recommend doing that before reading! I own nothing.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What do you mean you aren’t certified in CPR?! You are a first responder!” Regina screamed at the sheriff. Emma stared at her with wide eyes, not expecting such an angry reaction.</p><p><br/>
“Uh, I’m guessing by the look on your face and the half-formed fireball in your hand that you already know what that means,” Emma replied tentatively. </p><p><br/>
“Swan…”</p><p><br/>
“Regina, we live in freakin’ Storybrooke. I can just magic someone back to life…usually…probably.”</p><p><br/>
The fireball grew larger.</p><p><br/>
“I’m calling Whale. We are having a mandatory CPR training session for anyone in public service and anyone else who wishes to learn. With Gold’s heart attack, we need to be prepared to use non-magical remedies, especially if, god forbid, something happens and our magic is inaccessible! I’m sending out an alert to the town. I expect you there at 9 a.m. sharp, Sheriff Swan.”</p><p><br/>
“Regina, we will literally arrive together, at the same time, because we are married, and we live together.”</p><p><br/>
“Emma, I swear to God…”</p><p><br/>
“God, why are you so hot when you’re pissed off?” Emma asked, while Regina rolled her eyes, even though she was slightly blushing. This is why every argument ended the same way: several hours in bed with a silencing spell on the room.</p><p><br/>
“Keep it up and you won’t get to see the surprise I have planned for you tonight.”</p><p><br/>
“I will be the best CPR student in the whole town, I swear!” Emma promised as her eyes lit up. She would do anything to not miss out on one of her wife’s “surprises”.</p><p><br/>
“Good girl,” Regina purred, pulling Emma towards her for a heated kiss. After leaving the sheriff’s station and a very motivated Emma, Regina went back to her office to let everyone know of her plans.</p><p><br/>
Dr. Whale agreed to teach a course the next morning, a decision he would later regret.</p><p><br/>
***</p><p><br/>
There was a greater turn out than Regina expected for the CPR class. Regina and Emma sat together in the front of the room with Gold, Belle, Snow, and David, while Ruby, Dorothy, Hook, Robin, and Zelena made up the back row. Granny decided to sit on the sidelines since she was already certified and just wanted to be of assistance. Dr. Whale stood at the front of the room in town hall with a dummy laying at his feet. It only contained a head, chest, and stomach, and if he knew this was going to eventually cause such debate, he would have brought a full body mannequin instead. </p><p><br/>
“The first step to learning CPR is to remember your ABC’s. That stands for airway, breathing, and circulation,” Whale stated to the class.</p><p><br/>
“Okay, well that can be a little confusing because at school, ABC’s mean ‘always be compassionate’,” Snow said. David put his arm around his wife in solidarity.</p><p><br/>
“This is a failure already. I should just teach the course,” Regina muttered.</p><p><br/>
“Chill, babe. Let the doc do his job. Besides, you may know what you’re doing, but you don’t have the credentials to certify us.” Emma nudged Regina with her shoulder. Regina gave her an eyeroll and mumbled something along the lines of “fucking curse credentials”, but tried her best to not jump up and take over.</p><p><br/>
“Okay, who wants to be our first volunteer to demonstrate the proper technique?” Dr. Whale asked the group.</p><p><br/>
“I’ll do it!” Zelena jumped up. Regina raised her eyebrow at her sister’s enthusiasm. She hadn’t even wanted to come today. “The sooner I do this, the sooner I can get the hell out of here and spend the day at the salon,” Zelena reasoned. She dropped down to her knees in front of the dummy and Whale instructed her on where to position her hands and what she should do. She started pumping over the dummy’s chest and quickly started getting flustered.</p><p><br/>
“I can’t keep doing this forever!” Zelena huffed.</p><p><br/>
“It’s been 20 seconds,” Whale deadpanned.</p><p><br/>
“Call it,” Zelena rose up and walked back to her seat.</p><p><br/>
“Oh, screw it, I’ll go,” Emma threw her hands up. Regina gave her wife a proud smile for being so willing to participate.</p><p><br/>
Whale started again. “So, step one: assess the situation. Are they breathing?”</p><p><br/>
“Uh, nope, Whale. They are not breathing, and they have no arms or legs,” Emma said.</p><p><br/>
“No, that’s not part of it, Sheriff.”</p><p><br/>
“Where are they? You know what? If we come across someone with no arms or legs, do we even bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life is that?” Emma asked.</p><p><br/>
“I would want to live with no arms or legs,” Zelena argued. </p><p><br/>
“Zelena, that’s basically how you exist right now, you don’t do anything,” Emma replied. Zelena scrunched her eyebrows together but stayed quiet. Regina chuckled quietly at her lazy sister.</p><p><br/>
“ALRIGHT. Let’s get back to it, because you’re losing them,” Whale attempted to redirect everyone back to the issue at hand.</p><p><br/>
Emma started pumping the dummy’s chest at a frantic pace. Regina just stared on as her wife made a fool of herself. The Charmings looked proud anyways.</p><p><br/>
“Okay, Sheriff, that’s too fast. We need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute.”</p><p><br/>
“Ooookay, that’s hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?” Emma asked, hands on her hips.</p><p><br/>
“How is that going to help?” Ruby asked from the back of the room.</p><p><br/>
“I will divide and then count to it,” Emma said with a straight face.</p><p><br/>
“Right,” Ruby replied, looking towards Dorothy and shaking her head. Her girlfriend was sitting beside her trying to contain her laughter.</p><p> <br/>
“Okay, well a good trick is to pump to the tune of Stayin’ Alive, by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song, Sheriff?”</p><p><br/>
“Yes! Yep, I do. I love that song.” Emma cleared her throat and got back into position to perform CPR on the dummy. Then she started singing. “At first I was afraid, I was petrified…”</p><p><br/>
“No, that’s not it. It’s ‘ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive…”</p><p><br/>
“You were in the parking lot earlier, that’s how I know you!” Hook yelled at Whale from the back of the room, a flask of rum dangling from his good hand. Whale glanced at him and decided to not acknowledge the drunk pirate.</p><p><br/>
“Alright, here we go again,” Emma muttered. She started pumping while singing the correct tune. Suddenly, another voice jumped in.</p><p><br/>
Her father was clapping and singing along with her. Then he veered from the chorus. “You can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk!”</p><p><br/>
Snow was on her feet immediately, dancing along to David’s singing.</p><p><br/>
“Music loud and women warm, I’ve been kicked around since I was born…” David continued in his oddly high-pitched singing voice. Emma gave up on CPR and joined in with her parents, clapping and dancing (badly). Regina stared at them and decided that idiocy was definitely genetic, and she was just glad it skipped a generation with Henry.</p><p> <br/>
David continued singing. “Now it’s alright, it’s okay, and you may look the other way!” </p><p><br/>
Regina placed her hand on her forehead and tried to hide her embarrassment as they all started chanting “ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin’ alive, stayin alive…”</p><p><br/>
Whale decided to end this madness when the three Charmings started crowding around him and dancing, and Killian was using his hook as a drumstick on the back of Gold's chair. “OKAY. Well you didn’t maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn’t arrive because nobody called 911! You lost him!” Whale yelled.</p><p><br/>
Emma scrunched up her face and shrugged, trying to avoid her wife’s glare that she was sure she would be sporting. Regina had had enough of this and stood up, throwing her chair behind her.</p><p><br/>
“Okay! He’s dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Whale?” Regina asked with a sneer containing as much derision as possible.</p><p><br/>
“I…I have no idea?” Whale replied, confused and a little scared at the expression on the mayor’s face.</p><p><br/>
“We bury him,” Granny finally decided to chime in.</p><p><br/>
“Wrong. You check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest,” Regina said, dead-serious.</p><p><br/>
“He doesn’t have a wallet, I checked,” Robin said from the back.</p><p><br/>
Excited to see where this was going, Emma said to her wife, “He is an organ donor.”</p><p><br/>
Regina jumped into action. “Get me some ice and a Styrofoam bucket.” Regina pulled out what looked like a hunting knife from under her pant leg that was strapped to her calf.</p><p><br/>
“What the fuck…” Ruby whispered under her breath.</p><p><br/>
“Where did she even get that?!” Dorothy said to her girlfriend in a hushed but nervous tone.</p><p><br/>
“Here we go…” Regina muttered, then stabbed the dummy right in the fake heart.</p><p><br/>
“REGINA!” Snow, Belle, and Ruby all called out in tandem, even as Regina continued ripping the knife down the dummy’s chest and stomach.</p><p><br/>
“We search the organs! Where’s the heart, the precious heart?!” Regina said, hand inside the dummy’s chest with a crazed look in her eye. She had planned on taking her anger out on the dummy and she was getting a little too into character.</p><p><br/>
Whale looked on, concerned but unwilling to intervene when Regina was going all Evil Queen on his CPR dummy.</p><p><br/>
“I’m not feeling well, I need to sit down…” Gold said from the corner. As everyone flocked to Gold, worried due to his recent heart trouble, Regina was still up to no good. </p><p><br/>
Regina turned from where she was standing in front of the room with the dummy’s face cut off and stuck to her own, making an eerie noise. “Hello, Clarice…” she said quietly. She was enjoying terrifying everyone at this point. </p><p><br/>
“Regina, Jesus Christ!” Snow said, horrified.</p><p><br/>
“OH MY GODS!” Belle yelled, looking faint. She grabbed Gold’s wheelchair (that she had only brought as a precaution) and rolled him out, not wanting to cause another heart attack from Regina’s antics. Snow and David quickly followed, glaring at Regina as they went for scaring everyone. Zelena high-fived her sister while Ruby and Dorothy just shook their heads and bit their lips to keep from smiling.</p><p><br/>
After everyone cleared out besides Emma, Whale, and Regina, Emma turned to her wife. “Can you just tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy to get everyone out? You could have just threatened to fireball them.”</p><p><br/>
Regina just shrugged. “It didn’t seem very realistic in the movie, but it turns out, it’s pretty realistic.”</p><p><br/>
Emma had forgotten that Regina had a strange fondness for the Hannibal Lecter movies.</p><p><br/>
“Yeah, well that dummy costs $3500, so I’ll be expecting some compensation, Madam Mayor,” Whale said, anger apparent in his tone now that he realized Regina wasn’t actually going to harvest any real organs. Today, at least.</p><p><br/>
“Whoah, $3500 for a dummy? Look Whale, this is why we have training, right? You start with the dummy and learn from your mistakes. Now, Regina knows not to cut the face off a real person,” Emma stated. Regina nodded in agreement.</p><p><br/>
“I don’t get paid enough for this,” Whale muttered, dragging his briefcase and mutilated dummy from town hall.</p><p><br/>
Regina turned to Emma with a wicked grin on her face, pulling her towards her by her jacket. “Looks like we have the room to ourselves…”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Fire Safety</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Regina is sick of her constituents not paying attention during their safety training, so naturally, she decides to take matters into her own hands. Chaos ensues.</p><p>or, the office fire drill episode. storybrooke edition.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Regina tilted her head just enough to get a good look inside the town hall auditorium where she was about to host the monthly meeting. Noting that everyone was there, she strode towards her office on a mission. She gathered the lighter fluid and trash bin full of paper that she had stored near her desk for this occasion. Last week, Regina had scheduled a fire safety talk for everyone who was currently in her auditorium, and none of them had listened, including her idiot of a wife. She watched last week as they blatantly ignored what the fire chief was saying about proper fire safety procedures, instead opting to play on their phones (David), making eyes at the other firemen (Zelena), or being completely engrossed in their bearclaws (Emma). It was her own fault; she should have known better than to let the chief present via PowerPoint. Like most things, she should have just done it herself if she wanted it done right. And experience, she thought, was the best teacher.</p><p> There were three doors that allowed entrance into the auditorium, along with several windows and a fire escape. She placed the key to the main entrance into the lock and promptly magicked a hammer to break off the end of the key, jamming the door. She then summoned a blow torch to melt the lock for good measure. Regina moved to the side entrance and placed the trash can outside the second door to the auditorium, dousing it in lighter fluid and lighting up the single cigarette she brought for the occasion. “Today, smoking is going to save lives,” she said to herself, throwing the cigarette down into the bin. She used her blowtorch to heat the door handle, repeating the same thing with the other side door; it was all part of the plan.</p><p>Magicking her items away, Regina entered and walked towards her seat at the head of the table. </p><p>“Good afternoon everyone, we will start the meeting shortly,” she said, politician’s smile plastered on. She pretended to look through her files while waiting on everyone to notice that something was burning. However, the people of Storybrooke were just as inattentive as usual and didn’t even register the smoke billowing into the room from under the door. She decided she’d set the wheels in motion for them.</p><p>“Anyone smell anything…smoky?” Regina asked casually, without looking up from her paperwork.</p><p>“Did you set another dwarf on fire?” Charming asked, eyes still glued to his phone.</p><p>Regina rolled her eyes. “That was four months ago,” she mumbled, then loudly cleared her throat.</p><p>Ruby raised her head at the sound and suddenly saw the smoke. “Oh my god! Oh my god!” she yelled, standing up and pointing.</p><p>“Fire!” Hook yelled.</p><p>“Fire?! Oh my goodness, what’s the procedure?” Regina asked. “What do we do, people?”</p><p>Ruby lunged for the phone in the back of the room. “The phones are dead!”</p><p>“How did that happen?” Regina asked with a small smile beginning to break out. She was going to have to contain herself if she wanted this to work.</p><p>“It’s out in the hall!” Zelena yelled, backing up.</p><p>“No, we don’t know that! The smoke could be coming through an air duct,” Regina replied matter-of-factly.</p><p>“OH MY GOD! Okay, it’s happening. Everybody stay calm. Everybody stay calm!” Emma screamed, running to the head of the group.</p><p>“What’s the procedure, everyone?! What’s the procedure?!” Regina exclaimed.</p><p>“Stay fucking calm!” Emma screamed.</p><p>“Emma, what is the procedure?” Regina pleaded again.</p><p>“Everyone needs to fucking calm down!” Emma reached for the door handle on the side entrance.</p><p>“No, Emma! No. Touch the handle. If it’s hot, there could be a fire in the hallway.”</p><p>Emma reached her hand out and gently touched the door handle, then turned back to face the group. “What does warm mean?” Emma asked.</p><p>“Oh my gosh, try to open the door!” Snow said to her daughter.</p><p>“Not a viable option, but what next?” Regina prodded, pointing to the front of the roomo. “Oh, here’s another door. Check the handle out.”</p><p>“It’s warm!” David yelled. Suddenly, Leroy, Ruby, and Belle all ran towards David, almost knocking Regina to the ground in the process. “It’s jammed!” he yelled, frantically trying to open the door.</p><p>“Jesus, okay! Settle down!” Regina yelled, trying to regain her balance. </p><p>On the other side of the room, Emma and Snow were attempting to shove themselves through the left hallway at same time, but Snow suddenly tried to switch directions. “I need my purse!” Snow yelled.</p><p>“Leave it, mom! Get out of the way!” Emma said, pushing her mother through and then guiding the others.</p><p>“Things can be replaced, Snow. People, human lives, however, can’t…” Regina trailed off as she realized everyone had made it to the back of the auditorium and were still scrambling for a way out.</p><p>“Oh, that’s rich coming from you, Regina!” Snow yelled from some unseen corner.</p><p>“I see danger makes you cranky,” she grumbled back.</p><p>After following Emma through the left hallway, they tried the handle of the door on that side. Killian approached it and stuck his hook out to touch the handle. </p><p>“I don’t feel anything,” Hook stated.</p><p>“Ah, mate? You might want to use the real one,” Robin supplied. Hook nodded and reached his good hand out.</p><p>“Bloody hell, my hand! That’s hot! I’ve only got one of these damn things!” Hook screamed in pain, cradling his hand.</p><p>“Oh god, this one is hot too!” Ruby yelled from the back.</p><p>“Okay, we’re trapped! Every man for himself!” Emma yelled.</p><p>“Fucking hell, Emma! That is not something the savior would say!” Regina screamed back, but her words were lost as complete chaos erupted. Everyone was trampling over each other trying to find a way out. This was not how Regina had hoped things would go.</p><p>Snow ran back to her original seat in the auditorium and reached into her large handbag, pulling out a fluffy white cat. “Shh, shh, shh, its okay…” she whispered to the cat.</p><p>Regina heard coughing from multiple people as the smoke continued to flow in. “What do we use to cover our mouths? A rag! A damp rag perhaps…” Regina supplied in the background.</p><p>Ruby was standing on the meeting table, lifting the panels from the ceiling, while Snow crouched in the corner holding her cat.</p><p>“Remember your exit points!” Regina encouraged.</p><p>“Ruby!” Snow tried to get her friends attention. Ruby vaulted herself up into the ceiling and was about to attempt to crawl through the vents to find a way out.</p><p>“Stay alive, I’m getting help!” Ruby told Snow.</p><p>“Pull me up!”</p><p>“You’re too heavy!”</p><p>“I only weigh 82 lbs!” Snow pleaded, but Ruby was already moving through the ceiling. Making her decision, Snow flexed her arms. “Save Bandit!” she yelled, throwing the cat into the hole in the ceiling. Three seconds later, a loud thunk was heard and poor Bandit burst through another ceiling panel, hitting the opposite end of the table with a loud screech. “Bandit!!!” </p><p>“How about 911, anyone? 911!” Regina shouted, hands on her hips.</p><p>“Regina, I am 911!” Emma thundered at her wife. “David is 911! All of 911 is here!”</p><p>“Oh yeah, I guess I kind of forgot about that…” Regina muttered.</p><p>Emma ripped the blinds off a window and threw a chair at it, hoping it would break. Meanwhile, Zelena was successful in the employee lounge, throwing a chair into the vending machine and getting herself some snacks.</p><p>“What do we do?!” Belle cried.</p><p>“Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision making skills!” Regina said.</p><p>“Okay, I am not dying here,” David said, reaching for Snow.</p><p>Regina lit a small firework behind her back that made a loud crackling noise as she threw it to the ground.</p><p>“Ah, what is that?!” Snow cried.</p><p>“The fire is shooting at us!” Hook screamed.</p><p>“What in the name of god is going on?” David demanded.</p><p>Regina strode to where the fire extinguisher was propped up and pulled the fire alarm. Everyone was coughing and so dizzy from the smoke inhalation that they barely noticed. Leroy had catapulted himself over the copy machine in the back, attempting to push it towards one of the doors. Suddenly, a pair of long legs fell through the ceiling and were kicking frantically. Emma was still working on the window, eventually finding an old projector to launch through the middle, effectively shattering the glass. It never once occurred to her to use her magic to escape. In her moment of panic, she forgot she even had magic. She stuck her head out the window and screamed, “HELP!”</p><p>David and Leroy were ramming every piece of equipment they could find into the jammed doors with no luck.</p><p>Regina was done at this point. Even her wife, the part time savior and full time Sheriff, was absolutely losing her mind. She supposed it was time to end this impromptu fire drill. She conjured a bullhorn and stood on a table. She blew the horn a couple times to get everyone’s attention amidst the smoke. “Attention! Attention! Citizens of Storybrooke! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire, it was only a simulation.” </p><p>“What are you saying, sister?!” Leroy was pissed.</p><p>“Fire, not real. This was merely a training exercise.” Regina watched as the rest of Ruby finally fell through the ceiling, then turned back to her crowd. “So, what have we learned?”</p><p>Gold passed out. </p><p>“Oh, come on Rumple! It’s not real, don’t have a heart attack,” Regina quipped with an eyeroll.</p><p>“No, no, no, no, no! Gold, you will not die!” Emma dove onto the floor beside Gold.</p><p>“Oh, so now the savior gene starts to kick in…” Regina said to herself.</p><p>“Gold, you cannot die right now!” Emma was panicking. “Okay, alright, what did I learn last month? I’m gonna give him mouth to mouth!”</p><p>“Emma, no. You don’t do mouth to mouth for this…” Ruby tried to reason.</p><p>“He’s gonna swallow his tongue…” Emma said frantically, grabbing her wallet out of her back pocket and trying to place it in Gold’s mouth. “Don’t swallow it, Gold!”</p><p>“Emma, no!” several voices shouted, all trying to pull Emma from Gold and stop her from stuffing his mouth with leather. </p><p>“I’m fine, leave me alone!” Emma shouted back.</p><p>“He’s not having a seizure, Emma!” Ruby argued.</p><p> Gold finally sat up and re-oriented himself. Everyone looked at Regina. She was standing there, her blank expression pissing them off even more.</p><p>“Regina…” Emma began.</p><p>“Oh, don’t start with me! If you all had paid attention last week, this mess could have been avoided! You obviously have no idea what to do in an emergency. Emma, you didn’t even try to teleport yourself or the others out of here! You also all failed to find the emergency exit and the fire escape! Now, clean up this mess. I have important things to attend to,” Regina stated, turning around leaving the building. Everyone stood, still coughing from the smoke. </p><p>“So…I guess I’ll start poofing everyone out since the doors are still hot and I don't have a fucking clue where the emergency exit is,” Emma mumbled.</p><p>Ruby looked around as she brushed herself off. “Anyone seen Zelena? She could help with that.”</p><p>They walked into the lounge to find Zelena sitting with her back against the vending machine, with three twinkies and two bags of Cheetos sitting in her lap. She barely glanced up at the newcomers.<br/>
“Leave me here to rot with my snacks. If I die, it will be with a twinkie in my mouth and Cheeto dust on my fingers.”</p><p>Emma rolled her eyes but noticed there was still smoke coming from the hallway. She walked out and found the door handle no longer hot. She tentatively opened it and was met with a flaming trash can. Regina was in so much trouble when she got home.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Roast of Emma Swan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Following a stressful week for the citizens of Storybrooke, Emma decides to host an event to help everyone relieve some stress. She realizes too late that it wasn't her greatest idea. </p><p>or, The Office: Stress Relief, Pt. 2 (5x15)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been the longest week of Emma’s life. First, a freaking Kraken decided to make an appearance in the harbor, destroying the docks along with Emma’s favorite seafood place. After Regina and Emma (mostly Regina) blasted it with magic, it sank back down to its depths. Next, a mutant Cerberus somehow escaped from the Underworld (thanks, Cruella) and almost ate Pongo. Luckily, Regina disposed of it before any pets were harmed. The same could not be said for all of Snow's woodland creatures. And today, Emma had to watch as Alice fought a goddamn jabberwocky in the middle of Main Street. The town needed a break. Emma had recently binge-watched some episodes of the Roast of Charlie Sheen, and an idea came to her. Regina wasn’t a fan and told her as much as they sat in her study.</p><p>“Come on, Regina. Don’t you think it’d be a good idea? Give everyone a chance for a little stress relief? You can’t tell me this hasn’t been a stressful week for you, too. You took down the Cerberus alone!” Emma exclaimed.</p><p>Regina just sipped her cider calmly. “Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”</p><p>“Well, if you won’t volunteer to be the roastee, then I will. The town will love a chance to roast the savior.”</p><p>Regina gave her the signature 'why do you insist on being such an idiot' look. “Are you sure you can handle that, Emma? It might be intense. These people can be very brutal in the insults department.”</p><p>“I can handle it, Regina.” Emma sat back in her chair, drinking her beer, looking very sure of herself.</p><p>A sly smile spread across Regina’s face. “You can handle it, hmm? I bet I know a thing or two you can't handle. Shall we test your resolve?” she purred, crawling across her desk towards Emma.</p><p>Emma Swan was in for a long night.</p><p>***</p><p>Everyone gathered in town hall once again for The Roast of Emma Swan. She had volunteered herself because she thought that, out of everyone in Storybrooke, she was the most easy-going and could take it. And also due to the fact that Regina had given her a hard no.</p><p>As everyone took their seats and the appetizers and drinks were flowing, Emma took to the stage. </p><p>“Welcome, everyone! You’re all jerks!” she greeted. A displeased murmur went through the crowd and Emma corrected. “Just kidding. Not yet, anyway. Welcome to the Roast of Sheriff Emma Swan.”</p><p>“Swan-Mills!” Regina called from the crowd, clearly irritated.</p><p>“The Roast of Emma Swan-Mills, my bad,” she said, trying to avoid her wife’s Evil Queen glare. “So, we all know these can get crazy, but just take your best shot. I’m going to sit right over chair…” Emma said, pointing to the leather armchair behind her. Her joke did not get any recognition. “Damn, tough crowd,” she said to herself. She looked up at the people of Storybrooke again. “Whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may! Okay…” Emma trailed off as Snow enthusiastically ran up onto the stage.</p><p>“Lower the mic for the honorary dwarf…” Emma said, watching Snow try to wrangle the mic stand to her level, but Snow was not deterred. The roast had officially started with Emma’s own mother.</p><p>“If you ever wondered whether you were Emma Swan, here’s a quiz to help. If you've ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Emma Swan.” The crowd chuckled. “If you have ever called the fire department because your head was stuck in your chair, you might be…” Snow held the microphone out to the crowd.</p><p>“Emma Swan!” they returned. </p><p>Snow exited from the stage with a round of applause.</p><p>“Hey, hey. I don’t go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers,” Emma said awkwardly. </p><p>Elsa was up next.</p><p>“I have a list of people I would make out with before I would make out with Emma Swan. A turtle, a fridge, any one of the seven dwarves, a woodchipper, Zelena...” Zelena fist pumped from her table. Elsa continued. “A candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, love ya, Emma!”</p><p>“Yeah, you’d be so lucky!” Emma yelled back. </p><p>Nurse Ratched claimed the stage. “Emma, you ran over me with your car,” Emma hit the drums as Ratched continued. “You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said ‘gross’.”</p><p>“Well…” Emma started.</p><p>“Emma, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget,” Ratched exited the stage with an awkward applause from the crowd. Emma did finger-guns as she was stepping down.</p><p>Robin attempted to walk onto the stage, but Emma stood up and stopped him. “Nope, friends only. Friends only!” she warned. There was still some bad blood there over Regina and the whole soulmate debacle.</p><p>Ruby was up.</p><p>“Several times a day, Emma says words that are way beyond my vocabulary,” she began.</p><p>“I know where this is going,” Emma called out.</p><p>“Do you?”</p><p>“No…”</p><p>Ruby turned back to the crowd. She pulled out a notecard from her pocket. “Do you remember spider face?” she asked Emma.</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“Okay, because the quote was ‘cut off your nose, to spider face’.”</p><p>“Spider…oh, okay,” Emma nodded along even though she was still confused. Everyone else started laughing at Emma's version of the saying "cut off your nose to spite your face".</p><p>Regina was angered that the people of Storybrooke were making fun of her wife. She shook her head at the people around her before rushing the stage. She pushed Ruby out of the way and grabbed the microphone. </p><p>“How dare you all attack her like this?” Regina snarled.</p><p>“Regina, stop it…” Emma snapped at the mayor.</p><p>“Emma is your sheriff and your Queen's wife! You should be bowing down in front of her.”</p><p>“No, no, hey! Stop! You don’t understand how this is supposed to go.”</p><p>Regina raised her hand to silence Emma. “No, they don’t understand who they have! I’m trying to have your back here.”</p><p>“Idiot!”</p><p>Regina carried on, so Emma repeated herself several more times. “Idiot! Idiot!”</p><p>Regina stopped abruptly, hearing her for the first time. “Are you calling me an idiot?” she asked dangerously. Emma just nodded. “Don’t you ever talk to me that way, you incompetent overgrown toddler. You don’t have any credit, any cars that start on the first try, or any land.”</p><p>Emma stared dumbfounded as Regina stormed off the stage. The crowd lost it at her accidental roast and were cheering her on. </p><p>It was David’s turn next.</p><p>“Hey everyone. I just wanted to take a moment to talk about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That woman is Emma Swan.” The crowd burst into laughter again. “She’s supporting about twenty Nigerian princesses.”</p><p>Emma bristled. “Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring, right?”</p><p>“Well, you know, Emma is a great delegator. She never does any work herself, ever.”</p><p>“HA!” Regina yelled and starting clapping in agreement. Emma glared at her.</p><p>“And one time, I walked in on her and Regina and her strap is so small.”</p><p>“Ooooh,” the crowd called out.</p><p>“How small is it?” Zelena asked.</p><p>“If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle!” David answered. </p><p>Another round of laughter. Emma was clearly flustered and starting to get angry. She stepped up the mic.</p><p>“Let me just say, that in a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done. Something about how much they love them. So, just keep that in mind,” Emma muttered, shooting David a look.</p><p>It was Leroy’s turn now.</p><p>“Emma claims we’re all a family, you know that?” Leroy started.</p><p>“We are. We are a family,” Emma cut in.</p><p>“Oh okay, so um, which dwarf is that? All the way in the back there.” </p><p>One of the dwarves raised their hand and waved. They all decided to dress similarly tonight in preparation for this moment.</p><p>“Oh, very funny,” Emma said, clapping.</p><p>“What’s his name?” Leroy asked again.</p><p>“Ah…” Emma laughed nervously. “I’m, uh, thinking Billy?”</p><p>“Billy isn’t even a dwarf. What’s his name?”</p><p>“I don’t believe I have had the pleasure.”</p><p>The unnamed dwarf spoke up from the back. “Emma, I gave you a ride home last week when your car broke down outside of town. We spent an hour in traffic, and you made me stop at Granny’s for cocoa.”</p><p>“Fucking death trap,” Regina muttered, still fuming from earlier. </p><p>“What’s his name?” Leroy prodded again. </p><p>“Jefferson,” Emma deadpanned.</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>Emma was silent. She honestly had no fucking idea.</p><p>“His name is Bashful.” </p><p>Emma hit the drums.</p><p>Granny pulled out a guitar and started singing when her turn came up. “What I hate about you…you really suck at tipping the staff…you're the laziest, hungriest, clumsiest Sheriff that we've ever had!”</p><p>Everyone started clapping along and laughing. </p><p>“Bear claws are the only thing she knows how to save, Rumple tried to die just to get away, well it’s true, that’s what I hate about you!” Granny sang. </p><p>When the song was over, it was Emma’s turn to finally take the stage. “And now, a woman who deserves no introduction…Emma Swan!” Granny said as she exited, clapping Emma on the back.</p><p>Emma was getting emotional at this point, but she pushed through it. </p><p>“That was…that was great. Some great laughs. Really went after my intelligence there. Dozens of online IQ tests might prove you wrong. And my strap isn’t tiny, it’s average. Get your facts straight.” She cleared her throat again, trying to blink away the tears. “So, when we decided to have a roast in my honor, I decided to…” she cleared her throat again. “I decided to jot down a few notes about you people. First up, uh…Zelena…” Emma trailed off as she kept trying to speak without her voice breaking. </p><p> Eventually, she gave up. She stormed out with tears in her eyes, knocking over the drum set as she went. Regina ran after her wife, but she was already driving away. When Regina returned, everyone looked around awkwardly, starting to feel bad about how far they took the roast. Almost twenty minutes passed of everyone sitting around silently, until Regina’s phone lit up.</p><p>“I just got a text from Emma,” she said to the group. “She’s taking a personal day tomorrow and won’t be at the town meeting.”</p><p>“Let’s face it, she’s dead,” Robin said.</p><p>Ruby looked at him like he was an idiot. “She just sent a text.”</p><p>Robin looked confused. “What’s a text?”</p><p>Regina ignored them both. “Emma never misses those. She’s either deeply depressed about what happened, or an icicle snapped off the roof and impaled her brain," she said, dead-serious.</p><p>“Regina!” Snow scolded.</p><p>“She has a very bad habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. I always say, ‘Emma, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side’, but she never listens. She says she likes the way they look when she’s standing directly underneath them. It was only a matter of time,” Regina whispered. She was starting to get nervous. She needed to make sure Emma wasn’t hurt.</p><p>Regina pushed her chair out of the way and went to her car. She did a quick locator spell on the scarf Emma left in her passenger seat and found that she was at the park where Henry’s old castle used to sit. She didn’t want to anger her more by following her, so she made sure she was safe and went home to wait up for her.</p><p>Emma didn’t come home that night. Regina was worried, but she knew that Emma needed some time alone to process her emotions when she was upset. She left her a voicemail telling her that she was sorry about her outburst, how she didn't mean any of what she said, and how much she wanted her to come home. She left a light on in the foyer and went to bed, holding her phone tight against her chest in case it rang. </p><p>Meanwhile, Emma was sitting in the park, reflecting on her feelings and concocting a way to give everyone a taste of their own medicine. Once she had figured it out, she went back to the mansion that had been her home for a year now and snuggled up in bed with her wife, whose apology she had already accepted. She set her alarm to go off before Regina's so she could slip out without waking her. She may have forgiven her for her comments at the roast, but that didn't mean she couldn't make her sweat a little bit.</p><p>***</p><p>Emma walked into the town hall late and everyone was wary of how to approach her. Ruby was the first to speak up.</p><p>“Emma! It’s really good to see you,” she said warmly.</p><p>“Hey…why are you wearing a turtleneck?” Regina asked, curiosity winning out over being a comforting wife. She’d get to the apologies later.</p><p>“Are you alright?” Ruby asked.</p><p>“Emma, I feel really bad about what I said yesterday. We were all being a little harsh…” Snow started.</p><p>Emma waved them off.</p><p>“I, um, I spent the afternoon in the park, trying to feed the pigeons. I guess they all flew west for the winter. I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.” She unfolded the piece of paper she had in her hand.</p><p>“What?” Ruby asked.</p><p>“Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget,” Emma replied, not meeting anyone’s eyes. She cleared her throat and began. "Ruby, you’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 lbs. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom, roasted.”</p><p>She moved on to her next victim.</p><p>“Regina, you’re a psychopath. Boom, roasted. Granny, you failed culinary school. Boom, roasted. Ratched, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom, roasted. Leroy, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom, roasted. Robin, your teeth called. Your breath stinks. Boom, roasted. Snow, where’s snow?” Emma asked.</p><p>Snow raised her hand shyly.</p><p>“Oh, there you are. I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom, roasted.”</p><p>Emma turned to Rumple.</p><p>“Gold, you can’t get it up for your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom, roasted.”</p><p>Gold started chuckling uncontrollably, causing Emma to laugh along with him.</p><p>“Dorothy, you’re gay. Regina, the town called. They think you suck. And you’re gayer than Dorothy! Boom, roasted.”</p><p>“Why did I get roasted twice?” Regina muttered, but even she couldn’t conceal a small smile at Emma's excitement.</p><p>Gold was laughing so hard that he was crying. Everyone was cracking up at this point, the laughter from Gold and Emma contagious.</p><p>“Okay guys, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I became sheriff of this town. So, goodnight, god bless. God bless America. Get home safe!” Emma said with a smile.</p><p>Everyone gave her a round of applause. Despite her roasting, Regina got up and gave Emma a long kiss in front of everyone.</p><p>“I love you, you know,” she said. Emma blushed.</p><p>“I love you too. Even though you’re gayer than Dorothy.”</p><p>“You love me because I’m gayer than Dorothy.”</p><p>“Can’t argue with that.”</p><p>“Idiot.”</p><p>“How come you can call me that, but I can’t call you that?”</p><p>“Because, my dear. It is, what do the kids say nowadays? It is my thing, not yours.” Regina kissed Emma again, nipping at her lip. They forgot they had an audience.</p><p>“Get a room, you walking pride flags,” Zelena yelled.</p><p>Regina chuckled and poofed her and Emma home in a cloud of purple smoke. She never got to properly punish her Sheriff for calling her an idiot, after all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>episode/scene requests are welcome!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Joint</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Regina finds an illegal substance outside of city hall. With the Sheriff's station slacking lately, it's up to her to catch the criminal.</p>
<p>or, The Office 2x20</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Regina was fuming. She couldn’t believe her eyes, she had to do a double take. The offending item was still there. A marijuana joint, sitting right in front of the lawn leading to town hall. She was furious. After all the hard work she has done as queen and mayor these past few years to keep drugs off the streets, someone has still managed to slip past her. Emma was surely slacking on the job if these miscreants were running all over down, throwing their devil’s lettuce onto <em>her</em> place of work. Or…</p>
<p><em>No. It couldn’t be</em>.</p>
<p><em>But what if</em>…</p>
<p>What if Emma Swan, the Sheriff, her <em>wife</em>, was the one smoking the pot? Or even worse…what if it was <em>Henry? </em>No, never her little prince. He would never disrespect her like this. She doubted even Emma would be stupid enough to discard the evidence in plain sight. This was surely one of the idiots doing…but which one? Snow had the innocent façade going for her, but Regina saw right past that. David was so dense he probably didn’t even know what he was doing. On the other hand, Happy did seem more cheerful than normal yesterday…</p>
<p>No matter. Regina Mills was mayor and queen of Storybrooke. She would get to the bottom of this and rid the town of this crime spree.</p>
<p>The September town meeting was in full swing. Regina noted with pleasure that all her prime suspects were in attendance. She strode into the room wearing her most intimidating power suit: all black with a dark red shirt underneath and her tallest heels. She dropped her bag onto the table and addressed the crowd.</p>
<p>“We have a serious matter on our hands, citizens of Storybrooke. Today, I found a marijuana joint on the lawn of city hall. How did it get there, you may ask? Well, that is what we are going to find out tonight. I will be doing one-on-one interrogations until the suspect is either identified or comes forward. I may even be lenient with your sentencing if you confess now,” Regina stated, glaring at the crowd with her hands on her hips.</p>
<p>“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Regina. Number one: you can’t just arrest and sentence someone yourself. That’s mine and the court’s job. Number two: you realize that weed is legal in most states now, right? Does it really matter?” Emma asked, not wanting to spend her entire night in town hall.</p>
<p>“Sounds like something a pothead would say, Miss Swan.” Regina regarded her wife warily. <em>Trust no one,</em> she thought to herself.</p>
<p>Emma rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Might as well put on the badge while you’re at it, <em>Deputy.</em>”</p>
<p>Emma tossed her the badge while Regina just smiled wickedly and hooked it onto the waistline of her slacks.</p>
<p>“Zelena, you’re up first.”</p>
<p>“Bloody hell,” the red head muttered, taking another bite of her donut.</p>
<p>“Spit that out!” Regina yelled at her sister. “Spit that-“</p>
<p>Zelena quickly shoved the rest of it in her mouth.</p>
<p>Regina sighed. “Okay, come on. Let’s go.”</p>
<p>When they left, Emma leaned back into her chair and groaned. “Well, this is unfortunate. Regina finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.”</p>
<p>Ruby nodded in agreement, looking out the window to see that Regina had spray-painted a circle around the joint and placed yellow ‘do not cross’ tape around it.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Regina led Zelena to her office and sat across from her at her desk. She pulled out a file from her drawer and stared at Zelena pointedly. Zelena was as uninterested as ever.</p>
<p>“Let’s go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we?” Regina started. “You tell me who this sounds like: slow-moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation…”</p>
<p>Zelena thought for a minute, nodding her head. Then she realized what her sister was getting at. “Hey…” she said, offended at the implication that she was dull. The other things were slightly accurate.</p>
<p>“Just calling it like I see it, sis,” Regina replied, leveling her sister with a scrutinizing look as she leaned forward to examine her. She did not see any pupillary dilation, just the normal blank look adorning Zelena’s face when it wasn’t replaced by outrage.</p>
<p>“Look, <em>sis. </em>There is a perfectly good explanation for all those things. I simply do not give a rat’s ass about anything going on around here. The snacking is just a hobby. For all the wonders in Oz, they did not have Cheetos. I’m enjoying the luxuries of Storybrooke.”</p>
<p>Regina sighed. “Fine, I believe you. You’re free to go.”</p>
<p>Zelena stood but turned around before reaching the door. “You’re going to piss a lot of people off today.”</p>
<p>Regina inclined her head. “I like the people of Storybrooke, generally. With four notable exceptions. But someone committed a crime, and I did not curse an entire realm to this town and instill law and order to make friends.”</p>
<p>Zelena just shrugged and went about her day.</p>
<p>Snow was next. Regina was already regretting this decision as the teacher regaled her with what she did after school was over yesterday.</p>
<p>“…and the dwarves were saying, ‘chug, chug, chug!’, but I’m so small and all I’d eaten that day was one of those mall pretzels…”</p>
<p>Regina was almost afraid her eyes were going to become permanently stuck to the back of her head will all the rolling they were doing. She threw her head back against her chair and tried to tone out the rambling.</p>
<p>“…so I said, ‘is it okay if I sip it?’, and they said no, but David seemed fine either way.”</p>
<p>Regina slammed her fist down on the table. “Stop! This is not the Snow White Story Hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on city property, okay? Your ass is on the line, princess! <em>My </em>ass is on the line. Now, I am going to ask you again, what time did you go home last night?!” Regina screamed.</p>
<p>Snow slumped back into her chair. “Six.”</p>
<p>Regina stormed back out and found David sitting in a chair playing Candy Crush on his phone. Regina took a seat on the table beside him and crossed her arms.</p>
<p>“I didn’t know that you were at a party Saturday night,” Regina said to him, eyes narrowed.</p>
<p>“I go to a lot of parties,” David replied casually, still not looking at her. Regina grabbed his phone and threw it out the window. He looked up at her in shock. “What the hell, Regina?”</p>
<p>“I’m going to need to search your truck. Give me your keys.”</p>
<p>“On what grounds? I am not giving you my keys!” David was getting pissed.</p>
<p>“Don’t make me do this the hard way, Charming.”</p>
<p>David’s eyebrows scrunched together. “What’s the hard way?”</p>
<p>“I force Emma to arrest you while I search every inch of your truck and then set fire to it whether I find the drugs or not. I simply cannot take the risk of letting you run around policing the town high and supplying drugs to our children’s teachers.”</p>
<p>Knowing that Regina was <em>probably </em>bluffing, he smugly said, “Yeah, let’s do it that way.”</p>
<p>“Dad, is Regina bothering you?” Emma sauntered back into the room carrying a take-out bag from Granny’s. She decided to grab some food during Regina’s first two interrogations. There was no telling when they’d get to go home.</p>
<p>Regina stood up abruptly, ready to go toe-to-toe with her wife.</p>
<p>Emma noticed her expression and thought she’d antagonize her more. “Regina, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot, you know? You’re totally harshing the town’s mellow.”</p>
<p>“Emma, I can’t stop this investigation. It’s my job. And if you ever call me ‘dude’ again, I’m divorcing you.”</p>
<p>“Um, actually you are kind of volunteering right now. This is Emma’s job,” Ruby added.</p>
<p>“I volunteered for this job,” Regina retorted.</p>
<p>“And that’s not the same…” Ruby trailed off.</p>
<p>“It is my duty…”</p>
<p>“<em>Volunteer’s duty.”</em></p>
<p>“…to investigate this crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.”</p>
<p>Emma coughed into her hand, “Narc!”</p>
<p>Regina glared at her Sheriff. “If you are attempting to compliment me, you have done a very good job.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t attempting to compliment you.”</p>
<p>“Well, you have. Because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs you can have. Think of all the lives that could have been spared if someone had just narked on Snow White…”</p>
<p>“Not really helping your case here, Gina…”</p>
<p>“…and I am very proud of being a narc.”</p>
<p>Emma was exasperated. “Why don’t you just cool it, Regina? Cool it, please? God.” Emma ran around to Ruby’s chair, stumbling. “Dude, where’s my station? I totally lost it, ‘cause I was half-baked! Smokin’ doobies, doobie brothers,” she accentuated her statement by giving Ruby a friendly arm-punch. “I was smokin’ doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest.”</p>
<p>Ruby was biting down on her lip to stop herself from cringing. Emma was her best friend, but she was also the most embarrassing person she knew. “Well, your office is just next door…” Ruby supplied, hoping Emma would exit soon because she was actually afraid Regina was going to set the entire building on fire based on her facial expression. And there were also some purple sparks flying from her fingertips.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Emma nodded, halfway to the door before turning around again and holding up her bag from Granny’s. “Mmmunchies! Who wants some munchies? No one, alright…”</p>
<p>Emma exited the building, and everyone just stared after her. Sometimes they couldn’t believe that was their savior.</p>
<p>“I don’t think Emma has ever done drugs,” David commented.</p>
<p>“I don’t know if anyone’s ever offered her any,” Ruby added.</p>
<p>Regina returned to her office to figure out who she would call in next. With Emma gone, she was giving herself free range of the sheriff’s duties.</p>
<p>“Hmm, according to my files, Gold traveled to Miami several weeks ago on a suspicious, week-long vacation with Belle. Why would he choose Miami? Why not a quieter beach more suited for his tastes…and age, to be quite honest? Perhaps this was an opportunity to start a new empire. He must be bored now that he is no longer the dark one…I cannot rule out him or Belle becoming drug mules…” Regina mused to herself.</p>
<p>She called a very irritated Gold into her office and he sat opposite her, waiting on her to begin.</p>
<p>“Nice to see you’ve found yourself a new hobby, your majesty,” Gold quipped.</p>
<p>“This is not a hobby, imp. This is law and order.”</p>
<p>“Right, because you have always been such an upstanding citizen.”</p>
<p>Regina ignored his comment. “Let’s get right into this: have you ever taken any illegal drugs?”</p>
<p>“No, I have not.”</p>
<p>“Do you think it’s possible that, maybe, you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?” Regina tried to ask innocently.</p>
<p>“What are you implying?” Gold questioned, not liking where this was going.</p>
<p>Regina laid her hands flat on the table and leaned closer to Gold to talk quietly. “Have you or Belle ever…pooped a balloon?”</p>
<p>Gold stood and slammed his hands on the table. “I’m done. I’m too old for this nonsense.”</p>
<p>Regina just stayed calm, circling Gold’s name on her suspect list. “He sure left in a hurry,” she muttered to herself with a smirk.</p>
<p>Maleficent had just flown in moments ago, and it was her turn to be interrogated. Regina would not go easy on her just because they were friends.</p>
<p>Regina slid a photo towards her. “Do you know what this is?” Regina asked the blonde woman.</p>
<p>Mal raised an eyebrow. “It’s marijuana.”</p>
<p>“How do you know that?” Regina demanded.</p>
<p>“It’s labeled.”</p>
<p>Regina grabbed the paper and looked more closely. “Dammit.”</p>
<p>Mal scoffed and gave Regina a sympathetic pat on the shoulder as she left.</p>
<p>Granny had just gotten off her shift at the diner when she was bombarded with questions.</p>
<p>Regina slid the photo over to her, the label now obscured by permanent marker. “Can you identify this?” Regina asked.</p>
<p>Granny pulled out her glasses and analyzed the photo. “That is Northern Lights Cannibas Indica.”</p>
<p>Regina let out a long sigh. “No. That’s marijuana.”</p>
<p>Granny just arched an eyebrow.</p>
<p>“You can go now,” Regina waved her off.</p>
<p>It was finally Ruby’s turn, and the wolf had been waiting for this all evening.</p>
<p>“Look, I’m just saying that you can’t be sure that it wasn’t you,” Ruby argued while starring at the photo Regina handed her, along with a marijuana-intoxication symptom list.</p>
<p>“Don’t be ridiculous, of course it wasn’t me,” Regina looked appalled.</p>
<p>Ruby held up the photo. “Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don’t remember.”</p>
<p>“I would remember,” Regina insisted.</p>
<p>“Well how could you, if it just erased your memory?”</p>
<p>Regina shook her head. “That’s not how it works.”</p>
<p>“Now, how do you know how it works?” Ruby asked, tilting her head and scrutinizing the queen.</p>
<p>Regina’s eyes were darting back and forth for a moment until she shook herself back to reality. “Knock it off, wolf. I’m the one interviewing you!”</p>
<p>“No, you said that I’d be conducting the interview when you and I walked in here!” Ruby yelled back. “Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?”</p>
<p>Regina blinked and flinched back. Ruby got up and left, leaving Regina alone with her thoughts.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>An hour later, Regina ran through the foyer of the mansion, throwing her purse down to the ground.</p>
<p>“Emma? Emma?” she called out. “EMMA!”</p>
<p>Emma stumbled down the steps nothing but a t-shirt and underwear, holding a bowl of ice cream. “What? What’s going on? Who died?” she asked as she continued to spoon some ice cream into her mouth.</p>
<p>Regina ran up the steps and grasped her wife by the shoulders. Her eyes were wider than Emma had ever seen them, and she was starting to get a little freaked out.</p>
<p>“Emma, I need you to think very hard about what I am about to ask you. Did I smoke marijuana a few days ago? Did I…did I use <em>drugs?</em>”</p>
<p>Emma opened her mouth to say no, but then, an idea came to her. She wasn’t going to let Regina off this easy for the interrogation she put everyone through. She sighed. “Regina, I think it was just a one-time thing…you said you just wanted to see what would happen. I tried to convince you not to, but you were determined to get your hands on some reefer.”</p>
<p>Regina was momentarily stunned.</p>
<p>“How in the world did I access pot?” Regina thundered.</p>
<p>Emma shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. You just came home with it one day and rolled yourself a joint, right on the kitchen island. You were so good at it, you looked like a regular stoner.”</p>
<p>Regina flinched back. “So, Ruby was right…<em>I’m </em>the pothead,” she whispered.</p>
<p>Emma nodded and gave her a sympathetic smile. <em>This is too good, </em>Emma thought.</p>
<p>Regina was panicking. “How many times have I done this and forgot about it? What if I’ve been doing marijuana behind your back for a long time? Oh my gods, I’m going to need to find a support group. I need to see a doctor, what if I destroyed my lungs? Emma, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I’ve done this to our family.”</p>
<p>Regina looked like she was about to burst into tears. Regretting her decision to stress out her wife, Emma opened her mouth to tell her the truth, when Regina smacked the ice cream bowl out of her hands.</p>
<p>“Why the fuck did you let me smoke marijuana, Emma Swan?!”</p>
<p>“Okay, first of all, you’re not allowed to drop the -Mills from my last name just because you’re pissed at me. Second, that was the last three scoops of ice cream I had left in the freezer, and now it’s on the floor. Third, you didn’t smoke pot! I just wanted to mess with you.”</p>
<p>Regina’s face was a mixture of relief and outrage all at once. Her eyes went purple.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Emma said.</p>
<p>All at once, Regina calmed down. She pushed past Emma and went up the stairs to their bedroom. Confused, Emma followed her. Regina finished her nightly routine and climbed into bed like nothing was wrong. Emma cautiously crawled in beside her and laid down. They were both staring up at the ceiling in silence.</p>
<p>“You are not allowed to come for two weeks,” Regina’s voice penetrated the silence.</p>
<p>“TWO WEEKS?” Emma screeched, bolting upright.</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Emma <em>Swan-Mills. </em>And if you don’t catch the weed-smoking criminal by then, I’ll make it a month.” Regina rolled over and ignored all of Emma’s pleas.</p>
<p>Emma threw herself back down onto her pillow. She told herself Regina was bluffing. Probably. Hopefully.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ten points if you can guess the "four notable exceptions"</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Prison Emma</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This might be the last chapter, so thank you for reading! Episode requests are still welcome, and I'll try my best.<br/>Sorry for any mistakes, I'm very tired and just wanted to do something instead of studying.<br/>As always, the Office S3 E9</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Petty crime had been increasing in town now that Storybrooke’s children were growing up and becoming rebellious teens. So when Regina asked Emma to host a seminar for the youth of Storybrooke about her past life of crime and time spent in prison, Regina was expecting something like this: a thoughtful reflection on how she ended up in her situation, the hard choices she made, what prison taught her, the hardships she had to overcome, and what she learned on the way.</p>
<p>But what she got was Emma Swan standing in front of a group of troublesome kids, wearing her signature tank top and jeans, combat boots, and a purple bandana tied around her head.</p>
<p>Regina and the other parents, as well as the Charmings, Zelena, Ruby, and Dorothy, sat in the back behind the kids.</p>
<p>Emma crossed her arms, ready to begin her speech. “Now, I know you all think you’re so cool and invincible right now, but listen here: you’re not. My name is Prison Emma, and I’m here to tell you what prison is really like!” she yelled, in an exaggerated Boston accent. “You know why they call me prison Emma?”</p>
<p>“Does she really expect them to believe she’s someone else?” Ruby whispered to Regina. “Why isn’t she just going with the real story?”</p>
<p>Regina just shrugged, knowing there was no stopping her wife now.</p>
<p>Over-hearing her, Emma was quick to reply. “Do you really expect me not to push you up against the wall, bee-yotch?”</p>
<p>“Okay, settle down now,” Dorothy warned.</p>
<p>“Hey, that’s just the way we talk in the clink. Now I hear that you kids have been running around, graffitiing police cruisers, stealing apples from the Mayor’s tree to throw at your teacher,” Emma carried on, Snow absentmindedly rubbing at the knot on her head. “…and raiding Gold’s shop. But I’m here to scare you straight!”</p>
<p>“Looking like <em>that</em>, I don’t think you’ll be setting anyone on the path to <em>straight</em>…” Regina smirked, looking her gorgeous wife up and down.</p>
<p>Snow glared. “Really, Regina? There are children here.”</p>
<p>“I am here to scare you straight!” Emma repeated, louder this time. “In prison, you are somebody’s bitch. Oh, and you?” she pointed to David. “You, my friend, would be the belle of da ball. Don’t drop the soap, man, don’t drop the soap.”</p>
<p>David just stared at his daughter, mouth hanging open. “Emma, please. This is for the kids, not us.”</p>
<p>Emma just made kissing noises in his direction, insinuating that he would, in fact, have many prison lovers.</p>
<p>Ruby looked at the blonde quizzically. “Where did you learn all of this?”</p>
<p>“The internet.”</p>
<p>“So, not prison?”</p>
<p>“And prison. It’s 50/50. Both.” Emma’s eyebrows furrowed, trying to cover up her mistake. “Look, prison stinks, is what I’m saying. It’s not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, then come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun at the station…I mean, school.”</p>
<p>Ruby raised her hand again. “What did you do, Prison Emma?”</p>
<p>“I stole…and I robbed. And I kidnapped the President’s son…and held him for ransom.”</p>
<p>“That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Emma.”</p>
<p>“And I never got caught, neither!”</p>
<p>“Well, you’re in prison…but sure.”</p>
<p>Dorothy decided to chime in. “Prison Emma, what was the food like in prison?”</p>
<p>“Gruel…sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.”</p>
<p>“Wow,” Snow added. “Prison sounds horrible!” She emphasized, trying to help her daughter out.</p>
<p>“Yeah, thank you, Mom! Thanks.”</p>
<p>Regina was next to raise her hand. “Prison Emma, what’s the absolute worst thing about prison?”</p>
<p>“God, don’t encourage her, Regina,” David groaned.</p>
<p>“The dementors,” Emma replied seriously. “They were flying all over the place and they were scary! And they would come down and suck the soul out of your body…and it hurt!”</p>
<p>“Just to clarify,” Zelena began. “Dementors like in…<em>Harry Potter</em>?”</p>
<p>Emma scoffed. “No, not Harry Potter. There are no movies in prison. This is my point: you guys got it soft and cushy here in Storybrooke. This town is freaking awesome…except for the occasional psycho villain trying to murder people.”</p>
<p>“Hey,” Regina complained. “That’s offensive. I may be reformed now but I still have <em>feelings</em>.”</p>
<p>“<em>Anyways,</em>” Emma continued. “Everyone is nice. Everyone is tolerant. You can be whoever you want here. You can have second chances here.”</p>
<p>“That’s actually really good,” Snow whispered to Regina.</p>
<p>“Nobody is nobody’s bitch.”</p>
<p>“And she ruined it,” Snow muttered.</p>
<p>Emma ripped off the headband, smiling at her crowd. “I hope that knocked some sense into you guys. You’ve got a good life here, don’t mess it up.”</p>
<p>One of the kids, slumped in his chair with a beanie over his head, snorted. “That’s not what real prison is like. I’ve seen half of that shit on TV.”</p>
<p>The other kids nodded in agreement. One girl in the front spoke up as well. “And you get three meals a day, and they offer classes! I don’t want to build anymore fuckin’ birdhouses with Snow when I could learn how to repair machines and shit.”</p>
<p>Emma scowled, unsure of what to do next. Then, it hit her.</p>
<p>“Okay, fine. If you guys think prison is so great, well here you go…” Emma started walking towards the door. She closed it behind her and locked them in the station’s single conference room. “Enjoy prison.”</p>
<p>Zelena huffed, storming towards the window. “Okay, Emma, that’s enough. Let us out.”</p>
<p>“Nope.”</p>
<p>Regina pinched the bridge of her nose. “Christ, I should have just done this lecture. Recounting the two days I spent in the Charming’s cell would have been more productive than this.”</p>
<p>“Why didn’t she just tell the real story?” Snow asked.</p>
<p>“I don’t fucking know, because she’s Emma Swan and wants to make my life difficult? She is <em>so </em>getting punished later.”</p>
<p>“La-la-la-la, not listening to this,” David screeched, plugging his ears.</p>
<p>Regina walked to the glass window, meeting her wife’s glare. “Emma, honey, please let us out of here. I could magically unlock the door…or burn it down, but I don’t think we want it to come to that.”</p>
<p>“No way. The only way to teach them what prison is like is to put them in it, apparently.”</p>
<p>“Emma, why didn’t you just tell the actual story? <em>Your </em>story?”</p>
<p>Emma shifted her feet. “Because…it’s kind of hard to talk about all the stuff I went through in front of people. And…I wasn’t exactly expecting my parents to be here. I didn’t want them to think badly of me. I thought I could just…improvise and have the same result. I’ve watched Beyond Scared Straight,” she mumbled.</p>
<p>Regina waved a hand, making the glass of the window disappear. “Oh, sweetheart, why didn’t you just tell me that? I wouldn’t have made you do it if I had known how you felt.”</p>
<p>Emma sighed. “I didn’t want to disappoint you.”</p>
<p>“You could never disappoint me, Miss Swan. Annoy me? Yes. Make me want to throw a fireball at you? Absolutely. Anger me to the point that I just want to tie you to the bed and gag you while I-“</p>
<p>“STOP IT!” David, Snow, Zelena, and Ruby all screamed in unison.</p>
<p>“…but I would <em>never</em> be disappointed in you,” Regina said, cupping Emma’s cheek lovingly.</p>
<p>Emma pulled her into a kiss, and before David could make any more gagging noises, Regina teleported them back home. She still had a sheriff to punish for locking her in a room with the Charmings and her sister.  </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>